Life Ordinary

Norway, Part 2 of ......

2012-01-30T13:00:00.000Z

Yup, you have guessed it, the weather is still stinking here, and so the camera has not been in action, so I am reverting to the back up plan of continuing to slag off Norway........ So keep smiling through gritted teeth you Noggies out there !

Angel of the North

Speaking of weather, I do not know what it is like in your part of the World, but do your Forecasters get it so spectacularly wrong as ours ? In the recent forecasts we have been laughably been given, they have kept on referring to the "Northern Lights" being able to be seen across the North of Scotland....Oh Yeah ? I didn't realise that this phenomenon had the ability to be seen through a 10,000 ft thick cloud layer, interspersed with a touch of fog and a torrent of precipitation. Weather Forecasting is a nice job if you can get it I guess, as its the only one I know, where you get paid no matter what shite you spout, and how wrong your predictions are....whoops, I forgot about Politicians, who also have the added ability to lie through their teeth, and get paid expenses for doing so.....

The Church at Malloy Shipyard

Anyway, back to Norway, just in case you Natives had thought that my rambling had taken another direction, and you had escaped any possible onslaught.....
Actually today, I am going to be very complimentary to the Norwegian Medical Services, especially the ones who attended to the Poor Guy who was having a suspected Heart attack, just before the Boat sailed out on sea trial after the Shipyard work (He must have been worrying about the quality of the work he saw done to the Vessel, and therefore thought, bugger that, I'm not going out on that Boat !). About two minutes after the Emergency call was made, what can only be described as Two Baywatch Wannabees appeared, in beautifully tailored and form fitting coveralls, with their blond hair neatly tied up to show the sensuous curve of their neck...sorry about that, I'm getting a little carried away here ! Now don't take me wrong, but I thought that especially when treating a potential heart attack victim, the whole idea was to keep the Victim's heart rate low, and calm.....well there wasn't a lot of that happening when they appeared is all I can say. However, in about 5 minutes flat, they had the Guy wired in, and plugged up, to some fancy kind of machine that went beep (or not much beep, in his case !), and began streaming his failing heart beat through the airwaves down to Oslo, where presumably, some equally glamourous person in an awesomely beautifully tailored White Coat took one look at the results and then ordered a Chopper....amazing is all I can say, within 32 minutes he was in a Helicopter heading to Bergen, where I am glad to say he made a full recovery.

Malloy Slipway

So the moral of the story is that if your Heart succumbs to the Norwegian crap diet of Pizza, Hot Dogs and Rotten fish (did I not tell you about the Fish ?), then you can rest assured you will be swiftly and efficiently dealt with by the Norwegian Medical Service, who are only populated by People good looking enough to be on a show of Gray's Anatomy ....... NHS eat your heart out.

The Bow

Today, the photo's are all Black and White. The reason being that in a very flat or cloudy light its sometimes the only way you (or certainly Me) can make an image pop a little, and see the detail in what seems to be the ordinary. Obviously it it can also be a neat way of creating atmosphere, especially within an Industrial setting.....Dark satanic mills etc. The only post processing in these examples was to crop a little, and play a smidgeon with the contrast.

If anyone is interested, the full size and high definition photos in this Blog are available here to purchase in many ways, shapes or formats, with the product being able to be shipped anywhere in the World (within reason !)....End of advert !

Later.....

Norway Part 1 of .....

2012-01-26T10:35:00.002Z

I'm knackered to be honest. I am sitting here having just come off the running machine (Don't get too impressed, it was more of a stumble on the damned thing), drinking a glass of water, whilst eyeing up a bottle of Vino, and thinking why the heck do I feel so bad ! I am sure I saw some kind of news item the other day saying that Scientists have invented some kind of pill that allows you to get fit while you sit in front of the Telly or something.....bring it on I say, and make it snappy before I injure Myself.

Look Right

Anyway, to get to the Title of this little piece of drivel..... Some of you who do actually follow this rubbish, understand that I work in the whacky world of Seismic exploration. In April last year I went up to visit the "zit" of Norway, a little town called Malloy, somewhere North of Bergen. A Town that consists of about 200 wooden houses of different colours, 2 (nasty) eating establishments, one Garage, One jokingly named Best Comfort Hotel, One Bar and finally a Bowling Alley.....I kid you not ! Its obviously the 10 pin Bowling centre for Norway. The reason for me travelling to this mecca of debauched living, was to take over my New Boat, that was just finishing up on an extensive upgrade of works that were being done to it.

Look Ahead

To get to Malloy you have to take a Ferry, which takes about 4 to 5 hours, and calls in on a ton of small Quays all over the various Fjords it travels through. It would be a really scenic ride, except for the fact that in April it rains non stop in that part of the World, so any thought of Photo opportunities happening, just go up in smoke, or in this case, in Sea Fog. So a quick travel tip for all you Folk thinking of going to Norway, or Bergen in particular...Don't, unless you like the rain and wind in April, and eye watering prices for basic, and necessary items such as beer and food. On the subject of Food, its fairly obvious that the National dish of Norway is a toss up between a Pizza slice, or a Hot Dog, both of which can be found in the charmingly named 7/11 outlets, which can be found everywhere, and at a price where a 2nd Mortgage would have to be considered. As for the beer....If you want to pay $15 for 0.2 litres of piss coloured fizzy water, then go ahead and knock Yourself out. Basically, Norway is good for those of you who wish to go on a diet, and lose some weight......Top tip !

Look Left

I transgress (of course), as the reason for telling you all this in the first place was to write a couple of articles about the Norway visit last year, and describe the taking out of the Boat from the Shipyard, with some photos thrown in for good measure, as and when it stopped damn raining. The other reason I am writing about something I did last year, is that since I have been Home, I have not yet ventured out to take any worthwhile photos, as the weather here right now varies from Cold, Cold and Wet, Cold, Wet and Windy to Cold, Wet, Windy with some Sleet thrown in for good measure..... An Independent Scotland ? Go right ahead and have it I say, and keep the damn weather as well.

So thats my feeble excuse for writing about Norway this time, and any time in the next week or two.

Right; back to the Boat and the Photos.....Like a lot of small Shipyards in Norway, they are actually located in some quite photogenic areas, and with great light ..... occasionally, so this set of pictures gives you a feel for the location, and the sight that greeted us most Mornings as we took our first Coffee of the day, and waited for the Yard Workers to start banging around, and do what Yard workers do all over the World....not a lot.

The Beast

Because of the steepness of the Fjord sides you have huge light contrasts as the sun rises, so the exposure across the whole picture is quite difficult to achieve, and for me, is best tweaked a little in Post processing to help bring out the picture a little more, which is certainly the case in the first three photos. Although the skies in the first 3 photos are clear, most of the time it was like the Final photo, where there were very flat light conditions, so I then went to Black and White photography, which will be my subject when I get round to part 2 of this Norwegian Odyssey......thats when I can be bothered to of course.

Home at last

2012-01-23T16:45:00.002Z

Back from a not so good journey, from the delights of Conakry in Guinea. The flight unfortunately stopped in Noukachott (Mauritanea) on the way to Paris, where Air France happily filled the Plane completely up, and once again, just like winning the lottery, I got a Mother and Baby in the middle seat next to me......Now I don't know why this happens, but I have an unerring skill in making Myself completely attractive to the likes of the local Village Idiot, who wants nothing more than to chat, normally very loudly. The Drunk, who thinks I'm his new best friend, and finally screaming Babies, with Mum's who actually don't give a Flying Toss (not an intentional pun) about their Fellow passengers sat next to them on a 7 hour journey. It was so bad, that I actually couldn't wait to get to Paris's CDG airport.....I mean just how bad does it have to get, to wish for that to happen ? Its the worst Airport in the World, staffed completely by Neantherdals of the lowest order; but for me, after that journey it was like entering Nirvana, an oasis of civilised calm, as soon as I stepped on to the Air Bridge, and off that damn Aircraft.

For those of you who live in my little part of the World, you will know that its been very clear these last few days, especially at night, and when the wind dropped....a rare combination in Angus ! So to clear the head from the travel woes, I headed to the beach at Easthaven, and tried to capture something of interest using the available light at 01:00 am in the morning. All I can say, is that they are different, and they have given me a little push to keep trying and see just what I can photograph in the middle of the night.....next time though, I'll try not to do it in -4 degrees C, it's a bit extreme when I have been somewhere for the last five weeks where it never got below 30 degrees C !

No Mores....

2012-01-14T23:46:00.000Z

Its the last weekend of this trip, so in offshore parlance its generally referred to as "No Mores" ie no more Fridays left, no more Saturdays left and so on and so forth until you get off, which in my case happens to be next Thursday 19th January.....reminder to Myself, "Must tell the Wife I am on my way Home".
The words "get off", sound pretty damn innocuous to most people, unless of course you are an acne laden Teenager, who thinks your lucks in, after you've made the target of your affection drink 10 Vodka Red Bulls, whils't clubbing to the deafening sound of Chase and Status going through that vacuum held between your ears by your skull.

Dawn over Biscay

However, to us normal sane folks offshore, instead of a bus ride, train ride or car journey to and from work, we utillise a unique form of transport called a Helicopter, to "get off".
Now to actually get to the stage where you are thought of by your Company, worthy, deserving and damn well grown up enough to be able to use one of these wretched things, you have to do a Helicopter Underwater Escape Training course somewhere nice and cold like Aberdeen or St Johns in Newfoundland, preferably between the months of November and March.

Entrance to Las Palmas Port

The HUET is a fairly basic drowning type of exercise, where you are strapped on a plastic chair (no luxuries for the condemned), in a metal tube with a window beside you half the size of a postage stamp, through which you are jokingly meant to extricate Yourselves, while the aforementioned Tube is chucked into the deep end of a water filled Tank, after first cracking through the layer of ice on its surface.
To complicate things further, and increase the pucker value of the exercise, they sometimes give you a bag to laughably blow into, as they turn you upside down, underwater, and strapped down in a seat inside this metal Tube. This Bag, allegedly give's you more time to get yourself out of your teeny window, as you (allegedly)can suck frantically on the diminishing atoms of Oxygen that you are frantically breathing in and out of this bag.
Now believe, and trust me on this, the last damn thing you want to do when you go underwater is to breath out, I am sorry, but there are a few rules in life which must be obeyed, and keeping your mouth shut under water, and not breathing out is pretty high up on my list of these.
They say by using this ~~Rebreather apparatus~~ bag, it can give you 5 minutes more time, or hope underwater....They are a fecking bunch of lying twats; as I emptied my bag in 10 seconds flat !

Early morning Ferry leaving Las Palmas

Anyway...to the Photos. The first is of a pretty dramatically coloured dawn over an absolutely flat Bay of Biscay, on our transit to Las Palmas, I didn't do anything to this picture except straighten it. The colours were amazing.
The 2nd two photos were taken in the early morning light, on the day of our entry into Las Palmas Port. There was a delicate pink hue to the sky which i tried to capture, not particularly successfully unfortunately, as all you get in the pictures is just a hint of the pinkness in the clouds. Again I had to raise the ISO a few notches as it really was an early dawn.

What to photograph from a Boat in the middle of Nowhere.

2012-01-09T23:30:00.002Z

Well what can i say, its certainly been an interesting few days exploring the blog, playing with the design, trying to understand the new buttons and gizmo's etc and basically catching up a little.....it all makes you feel a little inadequate. I thought frikking technology was meant to make your life easier for Christs sake; feck knows what would happen if i turned on one of these new "dynamic" templates they (Blogger), offer by mistake. There must be a heck of a lot of seriously clever people out there to design this shit is all I can say, or there's a lot of people with a fair amount of time on their hands.....nice work if you can get it, or in my case understand it.

So what have I been doing these last 2 years you may (or most probably not) ask yourselves, firstly, no I have not been spending time at Her Majesty's Pleasure, but thanks for asking anyway....I have however continued to sail around in this wonderful world of Seismic that I have unfortunately found Myself unable to escape from. But hey, who would, when you can travel to such exotic locations as Gabon (Corrupt and ruled by a Dictator) , Cabinda (Completely corrupt and ruled by who the Feck knows), Guinea Conakry (Trainee corrupt as the Officials still smile as they rob you blind), and finally Norway (Tax Thieving Bastards). Norway gets the special mention, as they consider Foreigners who have the misfortune of sailing in their waters, should for that privilege pay their Countries NI contributions, which are set at something like 130% of your salary. Remember that when you vote for the buggers at next years Eurovision Contest, that's if you rather sadly watch it of course.

Anyway, photography....You are on a Boat, you don't see land, there's not a lot of Wildlife, especially if you are in the North Sea....so what the hell do you photograph apart from the Muppets you work with. Sunsets and Sunrises thats what. For me its a bit of a challenge, as you are on a moving boat ,so shutter speed has to be quite fast (that's as technical as I get), there's no point having a tripod either as you are going up and down; and to try and get a half way decent shot of some spectacular clouds and light you normally are shooting at either end of the day and therefore the ISO is up, which can create a graininess, which sometimes adds to the feel of the Photo.

The 1st Photo should be titled "Polution can be pretty" and is of an FPSO at Sunset about 100 miles offshore Aberdeen, on a fairly rare calm day. The 2nd is an early morning shot in the Moray Firth when we were sheltering from some bad weather....Yup the Bird was a fluke, and No it wasn't added in later as I am not clever enough for that shite; and the final picture was taken at the end of some fairly heavy weather we had had, which made for a pretty dramatic skyscape....just a pity the Tanker is not on the left of the picture, as that would have helped the composition a little.

I'm Back....almost

2012-01-07T21:50:00.004Z

Lock up you Daughters (I wish !), valuables (yes please), and sanity (you wish); as I am going to slowly start to return to the blogosphere once more.
A lot has happened in the almost 2 years I have been away, some of which will percolate out, some of which will remain a deep and rather dark secret.... which is probably; come to think of it, best for all of us to be honest !
The Blog is going to continue mainly with a photographic theme as I explore my passion for photography, with of course the odd sarcastic and grumpy musing thrown in for good measure.

Anyway, Enjoy and we'll see together where the journey takes us.....thats of course if you can keep bothering to read these tortured ramblings !

The photo is of a sculpture in the wee coastal village of St Abbs (near Berwick, of if you are in the USA...near to London). Its aptly titled "The Women who wait"

President Bongo I presume ?

2009-10-08T23:15:00.010+01:00

Auchmithie Church

I got confirmation yesterday of my new Vessel assignment. Its a Boat which is considerably shinier, and newer than the one I have just left, which come to think of it, is probably already on its way to a remote Indian beach somewhere to be turned into some of Mr Gillette's products......and about time to.
Anyway, the first job is in Gabon. Its been some 5 or 6 years since I had the dubious pleasure of working in the various countries in this Region of the World, and obviously a lot has changed, or in Gabon's situation, actually not a lot, by the looks of things.
Its a country with a population of some 1.4 million people, 99.9% of whom still live in abject poverty, yet were governed by one of Africa's richest men.....the delightfully named Pres Omar Bongo. Now I say were governed, as earlier this year the aforementioned 70 year old Bongo decided to eventually croak ( Money certainly buys you longevity in Africa these days, compared to the rest of the General population ! ), and totter off to the great rich mans play ground in the sky.
So an opportunity therefore arose to allow the 1.4 million Gabonese to have a say, and vote freely for a new start. However, aided and abetted by the Cheese eating Surrender Monkeys, led by the Midget Sarko, the election result was ...... how can i delicately put this........Rigged.
The upshot of all of this being, that the 4th largest Oil producing Nation in Africa elected a new President, whose name strangely, had a familiar ring to it.....Yup, you've guessed already Dear Reader..... From the ashes, lets all give a big hand to..... President Bongo.

This time though, Its a Bongo with an equally ridiculous first name of Ali, which esentially makes him sound, and no doubt look like, a 2nd rate Magician, but a magician who has pulled off the trick of a lifetime, and now gets to follow in his fathers Footsteps, and continue to rape and pillage the Country he has been sworn in to serve, just like good old Pa.
To be honest, it makes you puke.

Anyway, as Money obviously talks in these situations, and Oil and French support being the root of Ali Bongo's riches, we are now doing a 2 month job down there, quite close to the capital city of Libreville, which incidentally used to be quite beautiful in places a few years back.
So although its a new Boat, and a new start for me, its really Groundhog day ( I guess a little like how the Gabonese feel), with another Country, with yet another Corrupt Government based on Oil to deal with..... Don'cha just luv it....Don'cha ?

A fancy face in some Fancy stonework on one of the Local Houses.

Later.......

PS. The pics are from a rather grey and overcast day when we did the coastal walk from Arbroath to Auchmithie, where the original Smokie came from, for those of you who are even in the slightest bit interested.

PPS. Another Dentist appointment next Wednesday.....She is pushing her luck, as I WILL be certifiably insane by then .......

D D D Dentist

2009-09-30T09:37:00.009+01:00

When i was away in Dubai last time i detected the beginning of an ache in the old Molar.... Now, if you are anything like me, you just try and do your best to, a) ignore it, or b) masticate your food on the other side of your mouth, and hope the pain will go away, or remain bearable enough to live with....the reason being is that I am completely terrified of Dentists, and especially their rather noisy, hard and pain giving objects that they attempt to put into your mouth....thats when they can prise my jaws open of course.

Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful Dentist, and whats more she is wonderfully attractive, but as soon as I sit in that chair, and the back starts to descend into a lying position I break out into a cold sweat....pathetic I know, but there you are.
Anyway, this time it was a case of a (thankfully) quick patch up, followed by an X ray...all pretty painless, except the old gag reflex kicked in during the X ray....just why do they try and fit awkward and overly large objects into your mouth ? its not my fault that i projectile vomited out the 2" piece of card she had wedged in my Gob....OK, it was only a 1 cm piece of photographic card I saw her pick up off the floor, but it sure felt like at least 2" square at the time.

Anyway the upshot of all of this, is that I now have another appointment on the 7th of October...a sadistically long enough period of time, for me to have a complete nervous breakdown just thinking of what might be coming my way on that date....so to cheer myself up (Oh yeah !!), we ventured down to the beach at St Cyrus, which is not a million miles away, to soak up the remaining summer sun that is left.

The 4 stooges were in their element, sprinting off in all directions, none of them the same; chasing seagulls and the like, and generally behaving like hooligans, which is 2nd nature to them.
It was so good I almost forgot about the 7th ......... for all of about a nano-second !

later.....

ps. In case i have a complete nervous breakdown, and don't post tomorrow.....pinch and a punch !

Edinburgh Zoo

2009-09-29T11:19:00.009+01:00

We had a pleasant few hours wandering around the Zoo the other day, it is remarkably quiet at this time of year, so there were no sniveling, screaming snot ridden kids wandering around in Hoodies etc, which meant that for once the Adults could come out and play.
The weather was great (especially after the crap we had been having earlier in the month), and we even saw most of the Animals, which made a change from the recent visit to the Highland Safari Park, where we saw the sum of bugger all.
One word of warning for those passing through Dundee to get anywhere going South or West, the City Council in all their esteemed wisdom have succeeded in completely bringing the Traffic to a grinding halt near the Docks, so make sure you travel with a packed lunch, extra blankets and a thermos, as you'll be quite a time getting through that area, if indeed you eventually do.

Later.....

Leuchars Airshow

2009-09-18T05:16:00.011+01:00

This was a good day out, apart for those who decided to take a car, and then found out some hours later that the other 11,999 cars on the Leuchars base, were all trying to get out of the same gate.... Last year there had been similar scenes, so the RAF in their understandable wisdom, decided this year to let a "Traffic management Consultancy" arrange the parking this time. So it was good to see that they made exactly the same mistake as the "Boys in Blue" had made in 2008.....I would love to know, just how much they (We) had been eye wateringly charged for this piece of consultancy, but i guess there were a reasonable number of noughts involved.
As you know the weather was fantastic, and there was many a red nose seen at the end of the day, as the sun started biting. Of course no one had bothered to bring any suntan lotion, as none of the 50,000 crowd believed for one moment, that the big yellow object would eventually make an appearance in this part of the World ! We expected dry, yes; but Sun, never !
Anyway, it was all very noisy, Boys Toys and colourful tail art on the various aircraft.

Everyone also got a little taste of what the Guys in Helmand Province, Afghanistan must feel like, as the Chinook helicopter broke down and couldn't display..... Mind you, I was wondering why on Earth there was a Chinook here in the first place, as I just had the idea that maybe it could have been more usefully deployed elsewhere.... call me a cynic if you wish.

The Mighty Vulcan

Oh, and before i forget, if you want to attract the "Birds", then dress up in red flying coveralls with lots of patches (mainly saying Red Arrows), and wear a Breiting watch....it never fails, as "She who must remain nameless" was pictured asking for an autograph....Shallow, very funny and a good end to the Show !

Later....

I'm (eventually) back.....

2009-09-17T07:24:00.004+01:00

Yes I know...... there I was saying i will be updating stuff around the end of last month, and then came complete silence.... sorry.
My pathetic excuse is that quite honestly I have been incredibly busy, these last few weeks.
Dubai passed in a blur, as the de rigging of the Boat was just so fast, and consequently manic. I then arrived back in the UK last Friday to a beautiful sunset (see above for untainted pic) to find that "She who must be obeyed" had kindly organised a rail trip to the Leuchars airshow, which was fun, but at my advanced age completely knackering, and since then, I have been in recovery !
My consequent silence was then helped by Btinternet (God bless their cotton socks) deciding to play with the old broadband account.....ie cut me off, for no other reason apart from losing us in their records.....unbelievable, but sadly true.
Phew....
Anyway, its good to be back; even with every Tractor and Combine Harvester in the world trying to currently aim themselves at me whenever i see them on the road, but thats another story.....

Pretty pics of Leuchars Airshow will be downloaded shortly, and the rant will begin again once more....fingers crossed.

Later....

Thank you.

2009-08-21T08:00:00.003+01:00

The kind response from everyone there out in Blogger land has almost restored some of my faith in human nature. So, thank you for that.

Normal service will shortly resume, either just before, or just after I fly to Dubai on the 29th August.....The KSA experience has come to a close i am glad to say, but there are still stories to tell, from the safety of the bars of Dubai......

Later.....

2009-08-18T07:42:00.004+01:00

The sad reason that no entry has been posted on the Blog, is that on the 14th August my Father in Law unfortunately died, so since that time, I have been travelling back from KSA, so that I can support and comfort My Wife, and also pay my respects.

He was a man of few words, but with an enormous number of Friends and Family, who thought the World of him.
I was so lucky that I could truly say, I felt I had 2 Fathers, with the amount of love and friendship he gave to me, and that I had for him. He will be totally and completely missed, but never forgotten.

Matthew Smith
1926-2009

Later...

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

2009-08-12T13:07:00.003+01:00

The Immigration Gentleman very kindly let me back into KSA yesterday, after just a 4 and a half hour wait, which for them is pretty speedy, and worthy of note.
I wasn't however particularly interested in watching just how far up his left nostril he could stick his finger, which was his trick of the day for that Tuesday. Its somewhat disconcerting to be standing in front of an alleged official, and watch him stare back at you, as he gently slides his finger into his nose for about 40 seconds....however, i was counting my blessings that a) it was his nose, and b) he hopefully wasn't planning to stick his finger anywhere else, and more importantly, into me.
Anyway, i can report that he got to the 2nd knuckle, which he was pretty pleased about, his delight of which, being increased further by a fairly bountiful harvest appearing on his finger when he eventually finished rooting around. Needless to say i have just finished spraying my passport with Spray disinfectant (soft linen scented), and we didn't bother with the shaking hands routine.
After that, it was onto the mini buses and the 1 hour journey to Ras Tunarra, followed by a further 3 hours of hanging around while various Port authorities/Custom Officials pulled apart the paperwork, or our bags in the relentless search for drink and porn, both of which if found they would destroy...... oh yeah !
After they had finished their fruitless search, it was then onto our crewboat for the 10 hour sail to our Seismic ship, upon which we embarked in the early hours of today.
Its the height of summer right now, which essentially means heat and wind for another 6 to 8 weeks. So as i stare at the screen I see that we are recording 46°C as an outside temperature with winds of 25 knots. Of course with the shamal wind comes the sand, so the whole vessel is turning dun coloured in front of our very eyes.
Only another week, and then hopefully we will be out of here, but as everyone knows, in this Country, nothing comes easy, so it will be an interesting few days ahead while we try and extricate ourselves, and move to Dubai.
I will keep you all posted on the adventures ahead.

Later....

Rush, Rush, Rush

2009-08-08T10:16:00.008+01:00

Well its the last weekend, and "Her Indoors" has been comparing the remaining number of jobs on her "To Do" list, with mine......no contest really, I lost.....but that's a given !
Its always a bit of a panic the last few days, as there are always things to do, that you have put off for better things at the time, ie clean the gutters, mow lawns, check oil etc in cars, and that's all coupled with the fact that you are also trying to squeeze as much time in together as possible, so it all gets a bit chaotic, even after 20 something years of living this way.
So to make the most of the remaining time (and to delay doing anymore list items), on Friday we dragged ourselves up to Glen Clova, or rather Glen Doll, and walked up to the National Nature Reserve of Corrie Fee, which is most definitely worth a visit. Its a wonderful, peaceful amphitheatre you enter when you finally break through the tree line, and on a sunny day it was glorious.
Angus Council and the Forestry Commission deserve large pats on their respective backs for looking after this area so well, apparently the Ranger was telling me that they are on target for 80,000 Visitors this year....we saw 3 other people, and not a bit of litter anywhere.
After 6 hours we eventually called it a day and started back for Home and the reality that, no matter how hard we try, you just can't delay time, and I'm off again on Monday for 5 weeks.....and with unerring accuracy the weather is finally coming good, as i am about to depart....so Y'all enjoy your Summer, you lucky People.
Next post from KSA, IF I manage not to insult an Immigration official.....a quick note to Myself....remember to engage brain in Cretin mode as soon as the aircraft door opens in Dammam.

Later......

Flight details time

2009-08-04T11:46:00.007+01:00

Well the flight details arrived through the email yesterday, and that successfully adds doom and gloom to my life, as you know that in one weeks time, I am having to get off my lardy ass, and actually go and do some work, which means in turn, I have to leave Home for another 5 weeks, and what is worse travel to Saudi of all places.....although not for long i am glad to say. We should finish our job there after a week, and then we can head to somewhere considerably more civilised, where women can drive (did I say civilised ?), people don't get stoned for looking at another Mans Wife, and you can go and get a sensible drink somewhere other than Bahrain, which is where every hypocritical law abiding Saudi goes whenever he gets an opportunity, and thinks he can get away with it......which seems to be most weekends by the looks of things....allegedly.
To forget about the flight details, the Missus and I foolishly thinking the weather forecast would be correct (why do we never learn ?), decided to head up the A9 (another one of my favourite roads) towards Aviemore, and go and visit the Highland Wildlife Park at Kingussie.
For anyone who is thinking of doing this as a day out in itself, then don't bother wasting your money, please just send me, lets say 10 squid for this tip. For a Couple with 2.2 Kids it costs 37 squid to get in, and for that you see about 10 animals, as most of the other Buggers are either hiding, sleeping, or wilfully avoiding being seen by the paying public....its a joke.
The joke is then further cranked up a notch when it comes to the catering facilities, one cheese and tomato panini, venison hotdog (yuk !), coffee and a coke came to 14 squid.....unbelievable, and even more unbelievable that I paid for it as well.
The scenery though is lovely even with the threatening skies, and whats more its free, so I would recommend you just go up there for that, and avoid this rip off of a Tourist attraction.....the Kids will certainly thank you, and your wallet will only be lighter by the 10 squid you will be sending me.

A "Not hiding" Owl.

Cute Himalayan Blue Goat.....allegedly

Check out the technique on these Paddlers Ms TB...

Later......

Road Rage

2009-08-01T06:07:00.003+01:00

Well my blogging hasn't been so great these last few days as I have been driving all over the place, mostly visiting, or either taking people to Hospital.....I am in danger of rapidly becoming a professional Hospital visitor !
Number 128 is not doing too good, but I better be circumspect and not comment further as there is shortly going to be a massive complaint being made to Leeds Health authority regarding his treatment and their duty of care attitude....all i will say is that they are really a bunch of Cretins.....and there, I feel a lot better for saying that !
My father in law is coincidentally also in hospital, being treated here in Scotland, and the difference between the care he is getting, compared with what Number 128 is allegedly getting is breathtakingly so very, very different....anyway, enough of the online whining, so lets get onto some decent moaning....
On my travels around our Sceptred isle I have begun to notice that driving standards are just bloody awful (it never used to be like that in my day etc !). There are obviously more people out there now, who should be no more in charge of a car, than I should be in charge of running a Hospital....hang on, come to think of it.......!
I am no Angel (honest) when it comes to speed limits, but the number of people i have followed who have blindly been doing 40/45mph on main roads (where the speed limit is 60mph), and then if that didn't piss you off enough, blithely then go ahead and continue to do this speed in the various Towns and villages (where the speed limit is 30mph), is staggering....shooting is too good for them, its should be a straight electrocution....these people are dicks.
Roundabouts....now how difficult is it to understand the concept of giving way to the right ? Well it must be bloody difficult for some people, as the number of people who have nearly had me joining them in their back seat is rising. For heavens sake, observe more than 10 yards ahead, look to the right, and if there is nothing coming, then knock your socks off and drive. Anybody would think that these people live with the Cheese eating Surrender Monkeys, as they keep insisting on giving way to the left, or to the car that they can eventually see (when they raise their eyes, and actually look through the windscreen) approaching 500m away.....these people should be hung, with maybe drawing and quartering added for good measure on days with a Y in them.
And finally, the use of indicators.....now as far as I am aware, an Indicator is a wee orange light, its not something physical like a big, cushioned, mechanical arm, or barrier which shoots out from the side of your car and stops other cars from hitting you when you are joining a dual carriageway from a side road, and insist on pulling out in front of them, as your indicator is on, and therefore you must have right of way....what is that about ? There is a clue in the name for Gods sake...Indicator, ie a means of identifying an intention, and not "sod you, I'm coming out, and whats more, i'll be joining the motorway at the princely speed of 43mph" Jeepers, please give me the name of a stockist of the biggest set of bullbars, so that I can ram these twats.
On Thursday the evening light was wonderful,and I was lucky enough to find Myself on the (empty) road between Blairgowrie and Dunkeld, near Clunie Loch from where these pictures were taken, so I shall leave you for now with some calming pictures......I am away to do some deep breathing exercises.......
Have a great weekend, and happy 1st of August.

Later.....

BBQ Summer..... My Ass

2009-07-29T23:32:00.005+01:00

So its official, the Met Office have got no more clue about what the weather is going to be like in the next 10 minutes, as my Yorkshire (Yaarksheer) Terrier has. They are a total and complete shambles, and what is more we are paying for the buggers to make these jokes of a prediction.
If they were thinking it was going to be a BBQ July, then we should have made them cook only on a BBQ for that period, ie put their money where their mouth is.....the prick teasing (skinny) B@£$ards.
The only good thing these last few days, is that this heavy, showery weather we have been having has got our bug population up, and the Red throated Swifts ( so My learned Wife tells me), have been having a ball, and in doing so have provided me with plenty of photo opportunities (most of which i have missed by a short mile).
I have no idea what speed these little Hooligans are capable of, lets just call it fast..... as in most cases the reflexes of a 49 year Old Man has not got an earthly of photographing them. My poor feeble attempts i attach below for your derision.....but hey, it kept me occupied for a while doing it.....Simple pleasures !

Later....

Arbroath Seafront Spectacular

2009-07-25T23:19:00.023+01:00

Saturday was the big day, and the Crowds were most definitely out to see what Arbroath "Could do for you" in terms of seaside entertainment. For once it was blessed with good weather, which was the major difference compared with last year where the rain just made everyone go home with that years version of swine flu.
Entertainment included some daft French motorbike stunt artist.....although heaven knows why they had to fetch him from France, as I had seen better wheelies etc performed along Victoria Promenade on a Friday night by the local Barry Sheens (Boy does that name date me !). There was some idiot called the Human Statue, who basically stood still.....good act eh, a real money spinner, and really incredibly interesting along with it......NOT. Unbelievably amongst all the various stalls for Fostering, International rescue (who bought a clapped out old Fire engine with them, which last rescued someone in 1953), various assorted stalls with candy floss, Sweeties, Chips, burgers, Fudge (In no assorted order of consumption by Myself of course), there was some maniac selling Rugs and carpets, who was doing a roaring trade for some unfathomable reason..... I mean who goes to an event like this with the express intention of buying a sitting room rug ?
Oh, and there were this lot below.....

The Brylcreme boys impressed the crowds with their fake Spitfire, I say fake, as it had some kind of new fangled lawnmower engine in it, instead of a Merlin, which therefore made it sound like a Flying sewing machine.

Old bikes, along with posing Middle aged Hells Angels (the UK soft version) riding Harley Davidsons. Who incidentally saved the day, as they stood in for the Sea king helicopter who was meant to show what a sea rescue looked like, but unfortunately could not make it due to some kind of gearbox issue (try putting some oil in it). So the Harley Club really pushed the boat out and their 10 bikes cruising up and down the seafront saved the day with the crowds.... No really, it was that good....almost !

Pretty in pink, and driven by some well muscled Young Ladies....."Nice bike Madam".

Montrose's version of the Fred Dibnah show. Roll up kids, and come and sit on my lap and have your photo taken....strange, but true, as i was there, and No, its not me in the picture !

Someone with far too much time on their hands, and could someone please tell me Why the Flintstones ? The Italian Job, Michael Caine and the Swinging 60's.....but the Flintstones ?

Is it a bird, is it a bee....No its....what the feck...

Its the Wing walkers, who really were the best bit of the Show, apart from leaving of course.

That attractive rustic old building at the bottom of the picture is the local seafront toilet. I thought you would all just like to know that just for future reference in case you are ever caught short in Arbroath....and no, you don't have to pay an entry fee.

What do you put on your CV/Resume to get a job doing this ? and how many Flies are you picking out of your teeth afterwards ? All good questions that deserve an answer, but continue to remain a mystery to this very day (Early Monday morning).

Whoops, now where has she gone ?

...and finally, why do grown men feel the need to dress up like this ?

Answers on a postcard please.

Later......

Part 2- Escape from Yorkshire

2009-07-23T07:52:00.004+01:00

This probably falls somewhere in the "Worlds best sign" Categories, especially if you have recently visited Yaarksheer.....
Anyway thats it for me, I finally made good my escape and after filling up with diesel headed out of Leeds in the early evening. Now speaking of Diesel, is it just Me who is getting increasingly frikkin bemused about fuel Pricing ? 6 weeks ago, there was a 10p difference between Diesel and Petrol, and now they are the same price....how has that happened then ? Are there now less diesel cars/Lorries on the roads, so that there is more to go round all the Saddo's who use the Devils fluid ? Having said that, Gordon and Ali seem to have done a pretty good job in forcing Haulage companies to the wall recently, so maybe there really is more diesel to go round...hmmm.
The other thing about fuel pricing is why the hell do they feel the need to price a litre, to a tenth ? The garage i filled up in yesterday had Diesel at 99.9 p/litre, and 4 star petrol at 99.6p/litre...what the feck is that all about ? my initial thought was it must be a Yaarksheer thing as they are tight with their brass, so they must have .6p coins around down here somewhere.
Please just call it a squid for Gods sake, we are not living in the 50's where we were all gullible to you slick Southern Marketers, and only registered the first digit in any pricing, give us Northern Consumers a little more credit...durr.
Right, I better clamber off the High horse and get on with things, as this was meant to be a quick entry, as I'm still suffering from jet lag.
The A65.......Anyone have the grave misfortune of knowing this road ? For those of you who don't know what the feck I am talking about, its the road that runs to the NW from Leeds to the M6 Motorway and escape from Yaarksheer. The very thought of it being an escape route should fill you with overflowing joy, but it surely has to fall into the other well known category, of the "Worlds worst roads". Theres nothing really wrong with the road itself, except its narrow, windy and almost impossible to overtake on. Its just so damn busy, and mainly busy with complete assholes driving Toyota Yaris's, and wee Fords, who have grey hair and insist on driving at 35 mph, without once looking in their wing mirrors to notice the queue of 30 other vehicles stacked behind them....Jeepers. Then there are the cyclists. Of all the roads in Britain, why do they insist on riding in packs on this one.....I mean I like cycling, but I don't wish to commit suicide, so therefore I engage my brain (Yes, i still have the odd synapse firing off somewhere), and don't cycle on roads such as the A65 where some old, short sighted geriatric is going to come up behind you....and just keep going, without even registering the bump and thump as they run you over.....STAY OFF THE A65.
Anyway, I managed to finally get home, close to 10 in the evening, and what a great evening it was; the mist just beginning to gently rise off the fields, and a clear sky beckoning a good day coming in the morning....... Life is pretty damn good.

Later.....

Part 1 - Arrival in Yorkshire

2009-07-20T16:44:00.021+01:00

Well I had to get my ass down to Yorkshire, or Yaarksheer as the locals in the Flat Hats say, on Sunday, as the Old Man was having an Op in the World famous Jimmy's hospital.....Heaven knows why it gets so much publicity from the TV cameras etc, as my experience of how my Dad is getting treated in it, is a story in itself, and its certainly nothing like what I've seen on the TV.
Its a depressingly bad Hospital, staffed by uninterested Employee's from what I can see and have experienced.......so very, very different from what we get in Scotland, where at least they all have a sense of humour, and even (unbelievably) look interested in what some old patient is rambling on about. Here in St James Hospital Leeds, you are a number, and the reason I know this, is that they lost my Dad, and then asked me If I had seen number 128, as they had managed to waken up at the Nurses station, at some point in their long and very busy shift, and noticed that number 128 was no longer in his bed, and I was the last Person seen talking to him, so presumably i may therefore know where he had gone off to..... I even knew his name which was a bonus for them as well !
Obviously if your name is Richard Hammond you no doubt get exceptional service, and even a freebie helicopter ride.....but not my Dad unfortunately, and he was really looking forward to the helicopter ride as well !
But at the risk of alienating what few readers I have, I have to say that this part of Yorkshire just depresses the ass off me.....so sorry about that if you have the misfortune of living in it, please just feel free to delete me from your reading list, I have broad shoulders and should be able to cope with the rejection.
Leeds/Bradford is a dump, its over populated, also has too many rather nasty "get rich" kind of Folk living in it, mostly driving over-clean cars of the 4 wheel drive variety. The road network is appalling for the number of cars that use it, and everyone drives as if their collective asses are on fire. Most of the houses are eye wateringly expensive and in most cases pretty dour, especially in the rain which always seems to be falling when I have the misfortune to have to visit. It has some "interesting neighbourhoods.....all of which I viewed from a car with firmly locked doors, and with no intention of getting out of, for a wee explore.....or even to get a quick rock or 2 to smoke later, no matter how tempting.

Anyone for a short back and sides, followed by dinner ?

Colourful fruit and veg

Ohh Look, Coronation Street.....nice

Anyway, while waiting for my Father to get carved up by some pompous Surgical Consultant, and his sidekick, I decided to have a wee wander to calm down, and take some local pics, of the sites around the northern part of Leeds round Otley and Ilkley.
The views are pretty good.....Its just that there are just so many People and Houses around, and to be honest they ruin just about everything you try and photograph.....I guess this area was really a hell of a lot better in the "dark satanic mill" period, where there were fewer people, and more space.

Nice view.....shame about the Houses...

The road to Nowhere...... I wish !

Anyone lost a Dog ?

These rocks are the famous millstone Cow and Calf formation, the reason I know this, is that there is a rather grand pub/hotel nearby named after them....don't even bother thinking of taking a pint and a bite to eat in it though....overpriced, and an experience which i would politely call shite.

While passing the High Royds "development" near Guiseley ie new Housing estate for all those Drivers of shiny blinged up 4 x 4's. I came across this wee sad tucked away field with locked gate.

Between 1905 and 1969.....thats unbelievable, the Yanks were sending Men to the moon, and we were busy burying the local loonies in an unmarked grave in a field in Guiseley !!

Right, now that I have now insulted almost everyone from West Yorkshire, I had better stop while the going is still good and I have all my digits.....Part 2 The escape from Yorkshire, via the bloody awful A65, will be in a couple of days !

Eey Upp as the Mill workers say.....allegedly.

Later.....

ps. I believe that if you click on the pics above they show the larger versions......don't bother !

Oh to be a Doctor...

2009-07-17T08:48:00.010+01:00

Yesterday I pottered off for my bi-annual Offshore medical, the last bi-annual one I was cheerfully told by the Doc who examined me, as I was about to reach the magic age of 50, which would then mean it went to an annual MOT of my aging body, thereby increasing their revenue from me twofold for the remaining number of years i would continue to work in this daft job of mine.
15 minutes later, after checking my heart was still beating..... after a fashion, exhibit some kind of coordination, when all extremities were moving all at once ie walking (who says Men can't multitask eh ?), and finally read some letters on the wall, I was declared fit enough to work Offshore.....and that would be 75 squid Sir, Oh thank you very much Sir, suits you Sir etc etc.
15 mins and 75 squid....nice job.........thats 300 squid an hour, and if he manages to do say, a 6 hr day after (a liquid) lunch and a bit of rumpy pumpy with the Nurses, then he's taking home 1800 squid a day, or 9 grand a week....and we worry about Fred the Shred and all those other WBankers salaries !
In the good old days, some 20 something years ago, when Men were Men, and Sheep were scared, they at least still had the decency to give you maybe, lets see....about 42 mins of their valuable time, and if you were unlucky enough to work in the Norwegian Sector of the North Sea, you had the added dubious pleasure of a very large, normally bearded (and you should have seen the Men!), Noggie Doctor attempting to insert an over size digit into a part of your body where the Sun don't shine. You got all that excitement for 15 squid.....Those were the days !
Anyway, after the shock of discovering what these smiling assassins earn, and considered fit and able to work, and as it was a lovely evening, I managed to struggle through a Dog Walk at our nearby Golf course, before pouring Myself a large one or three to celebrate my potential ability to keep working,well for at least another year; and if the Buggers don't make me redundant in the meantime....cue the photo's.

Later....

Lists

2009-07-15T08:12:00.017+01:00

One of the side affects of being away for 5 weeks at a time, are the production of various lists of things I must do when I eventually return Home.
My Good Wifes list always differs from Mine in 2 main areas, firstly Hers are very much larger than mine (obviously), and secondly her lists are carved in stone, and are seen as some sort of legal and moral pledge, allegedly agreed by Myself (normally in my absence !). Whereas I see my list as a loosely based reminder of the things i should look at, if I manage to find the time to get round doing them, when I have finished playing with my Airgun, Camera, Classic car, Wii, Wife, Computer (and now this Blog), or been fishing, walking and generally being a Lardy arse in front of the Telly,.....not all necessarily in that order !
Anyway, the last couple of days have involved an ever evolving list of things to get done in the Garden, watched by the 4 Stooges.

I have to say its not been a great success so far though, as another side affect of being away, is that machinery, and tools that had previously been working without issue before I disappeared last time, now break with impunity, or no longer run without me having to get a spanner out, or in most cases a hammer; with the rapidly germinating thought in the back of my mind, that its big cousin the Sledge will shortly be called into action, if the 'effing engine on this lawnmower, laughingly called a quick start, does not fire up anytime soon.

East

West

So between that, and the threatening weather, i thought sod it, and reverted to my list and went off to Balgavie Loch to take pretty pictures of blue Dragon flies and generally enjoy Myself.

The Wife came too........

Later.....

Sunday bloody Sunday

2009-07-13T08:59:00.005+01:00

Well I disappointedly did not get to Glamis and the Car show, because with unerring accuracy I decided Sunday's weather would be better than Saturdays weather, and as usual my prediction was completely arse about face.
Sunday as you all know in my part of the world was.....full of Scottish mist, or as normal people would say....hacking down. So I guess on Sunday, all those elderly Gentlemen with bobble hats or Flat caps at the show, probably did not have a great deal of fun watching their beloved Classic cars starting to rust in front of their very eyes........I am talking British Classic cars here, as most of our Continental cousins had discovered very early on how to galvanise metal, and put a uniform layer of paint on to all exposed metal bits and bobs.
I obviously was not meant to add to my Blog either, as the "Helper" decided he wanted to use my laptop, plus, I actually sat through one of the most boring F1 races I have seen for quite a while...well since at least Mr Schumacher was around, so all in all, Sunday was a compete washout, and hardly what you would call stimulating and exciting.....
Roll on Monday....

Later....

Flower Power

2009-07-11T06:30:00.012+01:00

I had the misfortune of having my Birthday while I was away on the Boat this last trip, I say misfortune, for 2 reasons, the 1st because I am getting old, and consequently increasingly wrinkly, and hair is beginning to come out of my nose, and the 2nd because I had to endure a Boat Birthday cake. This Boat Birthday cake is now something of a tradition on our Ship, a tradition where the Cook attempts to make sure you don't see your next Birthday due to the large number of Calories, and obscene amounts of cholesterol it contains.
Anyway, as usual I digress, as the point I was trying to make was that on my return Home, My Wife had bought me a present...a Nikon digital SLR, and wow is all I can say, as it puts my previous wee instamatic thingy completely in the shade. This now means anyone who is bored enough to find, and even read my ramblings are now going to also be assaulted by my happy snapper experiments starting with Flowers..... as seen below.
Of course there was another 2nd more devious reason that My Wife gave me a camera such as this, and that is that I know she really, secretly needs me, and the reason I know this, is that I carry her camera gear around. This is her big (and I mean big), hobby, and consequently she has a lot of stuff, most of which is heavy, bulky and awkward, with lenses the length and size of which, you could have probably photographed Neil Armstrong stepping onto the moon from a seat in your garden, supping a cool glass of vino at the same time. I have absolutely no idea what half these lenses and cameras do, but I am intimately acquainted with all of them, as I'm the bugger who lugs them around, unless I have something more pressing to be doing....like seeing a Dentist.
So by giving me a camera and introduction into her hobby, she is now guaranteed a Sherpa for life, as I now have no excuse not to go out, and while I'm out with her, then I may as well continue to carry around her kit....sneaky eh ? Being a typical Man, I have fallen for it hook, line and sinker.....just how shallow am I ?

Little does she know, that she is getting dragged to the Classic car show at Glamis this weekend, just so that I can use my new camera...of course !

Yellow Flower

Deep Pink and Yellow Flower

Another Pinky Flower

Blue Flower with Bee

Yet another Pink Flower

Red, white and yellow Flower

Yellow pointy Flower

Later.....

Phew

2009-07-10T07:24:00.009+01:00

Arrived back home, after about 8 hours of flying from The Kingdom.

Its always a great feeling to get back home, but when you are coming back from the puss pit of the World, its even better....

Immigration was as tedious as ever, with the Cretins in Dammam Airport doing everything possible to make you want to take them down a darkened alley, and basically beat the living crap out of them, if you ever had the chance in your fantasies. The sheer arrogance of these people is unbelievable,

if it wasn't for the huge numbers of Foreign hired help, this Country would still be one step below the Dark ages. There is something about that Country, their attitude to non Arabs, the way they treat their Women, the complete lack of distribution of wealth, that just gets my baser instincts rising to the surface.....but enough of that, I'm back Home for goodness sake, and Life is good.

The Wife looks great, and is even happy to see my Ugly Mug, a fact that always astounds and humbles me, especially after 30 hours of travelling on Boats, Buses, Trains, Planes and Automobiles. The Dogs went mad, they also even recognized me for a change, and it was a great welcome home sunset as well.......Life is good.

Later....

17 hours to go

2009-07-07T13:01:00.008+01:00

After another succesful 5 weeks on the Ocean wave, its time to head home to my beautiful Wife in Scotland, and normality.
There are of course a few hoops to jump through to get Home of course, and i would normally say that thats half the fun of travelling, but when you have the grave misfortune of having to work in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia aka KSA, The Kingdom etc, it becomes more a feat of patient endurance, as you deal with Petty Officialdom, Moronic Immigration Officers who wear their trousers like Simon Cowell, and are about as well behaved as a 5 year old on E, and absolutely unbelievable driving..... The joys...... but not for too much longer, as we have nearly finished our operations in this part of the world, and other countries beckon.
Anyway, i leave you with some photo's of previous homeward journeys from the biggest sandpit in the world.
Next blog from the UK.....Inshallah !

The Locals in the sand

Lorries in the sand

Sun going down in the sand

Interesting eh ?

Later....

Catch a Fishie

2009-07-06T15:03:00.005+01:00

Today, after 2 years of trying i'm proud to say we have caught our 1st fishing boat.
This has taken us a lot longer that we first thought, as they have been pretty sneaky, plus they have been very well advised by our Company over the last 2 years, about our operation, where we are working in their patch of sea, and even been given leaflets in every language under the sun, with pictures (for those who can't read) of what our boat looks like, even with a big red X through it, as an even bigger clue. So our chances of catching one were pretty slim as they have been given such a head start.
So we had to resort to such underhand tactics of tempting them closer to us, like that well known tactic of attracting them to us by firing flares as soon as we saw them, or even by using one of our 3 Chase vessels to round them up and push them towards us.
But so far, until today we had no success.
However, using our well used, but up to now, unsucessful method of attraction...The Flare, we suckered one of the Buggers to come right behind us, and to our joy he stopped and threw his anchor out, which as luck would have it, immediately caught on one of streamers being towed underwater by us.
It is hard to describe the look on their faces, or come to think of it, the aghast look on our faces as we saw this story unfold in front of us. I was so excited i nearly peed my pants !
All ended well though, as after playing around a little with them, we got bored and let them go, and watched them sail into the setting sun.
2 Days before we Crew change and i get off.....and boy oh boy it can't come fast enough !

later.....

Tanker Chicken

2009-07-04T14:29:00.004+01:00

So the Nanny government of the UK feels it has a problem with mobile phone use by drivers of cars on UK roads.....huh, they should come out here and see what idiocy we sometimes have to contend with.
Just to briefly paint the picture (and hopefully not bore the pants off you), Seismic vessels tow streamers, which can be up to 10km long, and are run at a depth of between 7 and 9m in normal operation. Now these are pretty pricey bits of kit by anyones standards, each streamer and associated bits and pieces costing between 1 and 1.5 million US dollars. Most seismic boats tow between 6 and 12 of these noodles, so to put it simply, we would rather not damage, or lose them if at all possible, thankyou very much.
Where our vessel is currently operating there is a reasonable amount of Oil Tanker traffic, the majority of which are controlled very precisely by the relevant Port authorities, and crewed by professional Seaman. However in the last week, we have had so far one 335m Tanker circle away from us having decided for reasons known only to his Bridge crew, to change his mind about following the (clear) instructions we had given him and he had acknowledged, alter course, and use us as a Target.
A second smaller (only 150m this time !) Tanker, refused to acknowledge all instructions and warnings given out on Radio channel 16 (a marine offence in itself), and then proceeded to try and cut our streamers....luckily he didn't get them as we had dived them to 30m depth, although on his return journey a few days later he unbelievably made another attempt !
Now to be honest i'm pretty pissed by this, what right do these cretins have to be driving these fully loaded Leviathons around the world ? Who the hell gave them the Maritime qualification to allow them to even set foot on a boat ? We are obviously talking about people who are completely intellectually challenged even tying their shoe laces by the looks of things.
Look at the pictures below....thats what a gentle tap does to a small empty (luckily) Tanker when its hit by another vessel ( I would hate to see the other Guy !).....even more unbelievably the vessel that hit this one had (allegedly) a Pilot onboard, who by the looks of things was presumably on his mobile phone at the time....I just give up !!

Later........If I survive the next few days...

The R word

2009-07-02T17:20:00.003+01:00

Well its all been bubbling under these last few weeks, but it is now certain that cuts are going to have to be made in the Workforce of the Company i work for.... not good, and unfortunately not that uncommon in these days we now find ourselves in.
This story is one which will be developed over the next few weeks and months as and when things of note happen....its certainly not going to be written about looking for sympathy (If i become one of the many), but, as I said before embarking on this blog, merely as a means of a bit of soul cleansing, and yes, a bit of yelling when i feel like it.
The industry I work in is Seismic Exploration, a sector which i have been involved in for some 20 years or so....We are the Guys (and Gals) who are generally sent out to remote areas of the world, to take records of the geology of the rocks underneath us, so that people who are far clever than ourselves, and who know how to make a computer work, can decide whether its worth putting an Oil Rig somewhere over where we have been, and punch a hole into the earth to find Hydrocarbons, or in most cases....different types of rock !
In the 20 years I have been in this Industry there have been 3 downs......Its a very cyclical process this relationship between Exploration and Production in the Oil industry, with each complete cycle stretching over some 6 to 8 years. However, I have never personally seen such a down part of a cycle as what i am seeing and we are experiencing now.
The Oil companies are sitting on their hands, and there is absolutely, and i mean absolutely, no investment happening in Exploration. The Seismic market in Marine has contracted more than 60% this year, My friends on the Rigs are seeing similiar statistics....mark my words, you heard it here 1st etc etc(yawn), this IS going to be the "Big One" and it will take more than a couple of years of Gordon to come out at the end of it......There is going to be devastation in the Oil services sector, so sell your shares in those companies, and start (secretly) buying petrol/diesel, as the price of oil is going to go through the roof beginning early next year.
Welcome to Mel and the Mad Max period....

Blimey, i don't know about soul cleansing, i think i'll just walk out on to the helideck and launch myself off after reading this back to myself !

Later....

Strawberry Yorkies

2009-07-01T11:57:00.005+01:00

Not that anyone is actually reading this, or even if they are interested, but i am declaring the 1st July a rant free day, well for this year anyway.
With the threat of redundancy hanging over my Nut, and the parlous state of the World being preached everywhere i read, i thought it would be good to get back to some sanity and even a little reality.......But Strawberry Yorkies ?
A couple of days ago while the Wife was in the garden doing some serious weed hitting, she noticed that all was rather quiet.
Now with 5 Yorkshire Terriers, the word quiet does not immediately spring to mind, suspicious maybe, but definitely not quiet. So upon turning round from her toils, she discovered the little hooligans happily munching away on our Strawberries that we grow within the flower beds around the garden.

Yummy, and she's not looking...

Whoops, just look innocent and appealing !

It has to be said that when you are Yorkie owner you very quickly develop a sixth sense for trouble, and you remain continually in awe of just the sheer daft things that they get up to, but for us this is a first !
So its good to see that actually, everything is quite normal in the big wide World.

Pinch and a punch to you all.

Later......

Statistical Sunstroke

2009-06-30T14:01:00.003+01:00

Just taking a glance at the BBC website today makes me think that some People in the UK are obviously suffering from the effects of too much sun. What is that all about eh ? Temperatures of 32°C, and out come a plethora of warnings from those "eejits" in Westminster to "Drink more water"....Oh really, are we that stupid ? i would have thought they would have realised by now that the vast majority of the British public are quite intelligent enough to make 2+2=4, which is more than can be said for the (Dis) Honourable Gentlemen.
Anyway, i digress....the point is, is that some people somewhere are obviously going down with heat stroke, take for instance the ONS, the finely titled Office for National Statistics. Apparently the economy in the UK has contracted by 2.4% in the 1st quarter of this year, but they are expecting the 2nd quarter figures to be better when they come out in July.
Riiiight, so this tells me that they have spent 2 months coming to the 1st quarter figure on the 30th June, and now they are telling us, that not only do they have crystal balls telling them what the 2nd quarter will be like almost instantly, but they will then prove that to us by coming out with a figure for the 2nd quarter in July......whats happened, have they got a faster abacus or something ?
Another statistic for you, House prices have gone up in May by 0.9%...really ? Firstly do any of you know anyone who has actually sold a house recently, and i mean really sold it ? and Secondly, does anyone know of any banks who are currently lending out real money to real people ? The words "rocking horse" shit spring to mind on both the above points.
Another report today states that manufacturing has dramatically declined, but industrial production has just shown its 1st rise for over a year....So what exactly does this tell us ?
What does this increasing daily volume of contradictory statistics and estimates made by Organisations and persons living in the south of the UK actually mean ? Are we at the bottom of the cycle ? are there really green shoots ? is this a Depression ? Does Gordon really talk to Martians? do we really care come to think of it ?
The hard fact of life is, is that we all over borrowed, some more than others it must be said. Then we all started to talk ourselves into a Depression, and now we are all trying to talk our way out of it.... Cyclical Lemmings.
The reason i know that these statistics are manipulated by the sun, and emanate from the People and Organisations who are based in the South of the UK........please just take a look at the fine Summer Evening photo below, taken from my garden yesterday....i would say that we are still in the Depression phase !

Later......

Sunsets, MJ and all of that.

2009-06-29T12:04:00.004+01:00

Yup, You guessed correctly, the fuse has been replaced, and lo and behold we have communication. Having said that though, i have to ask myself did i really want to have access to the net today, as i now find that some Sicko has leaked the MJ Autopsy, and whats worse a UK newspaper is happy to lead with it on their front page......I mean what is that all about ?
You have to just shake your head at what is being said, its bad enough if half of it is true. Don't get me wrong, i am no major MJ fan, although i believe his music was absolutely beautifully produced and presented....I mean look at "Its raining in Moscow", those chords send shivers up my spine, and that slo mo video is unbelievable. But what i will say, his family need to take some responsibility for all of this. I mean, would you sit back and watch your Son or Daughter get manipulated the way he so obviously has....it was a life completely out of his control, and isn't that awfully, awfully sad, and made worse by Persons who loved him allowing this to continue to this desperate conclusion.
One last thing, why is everyone buying all his records/discs again.... ask Yourself, who exactly is going to benefit from the money that his catalogue is producing ?

Its a kind of depressing day to be honest, so to jerk myself out of this melancholy, let me leave you with an uplifting photo showing just how good life is out here on the ocean waves sometimes.

Later......

IT to be or not to be ......?

2009-06-28T15:24:00.004+01:00

I seem to be pondering this question more and more as i sit here looking at a blank screen, or when i see an error message saying that my DNS server cannot find the domain....of the BBC Website, Oh yeah ?
Here we are, a not inconsiderable International oil services Company, and i am currently unable to email, phone, log onto our (dripping with sarcasm voice....wonderful) Intranet, and worst of all get on the net and update this wretched Blog.
Like all stories, it has a beginning, and also like most stories it started with an idea in some bored Numb Nuts head in the corporate IT department. Who, having just finished straightening out the paperclips that He or She had found stuck between the keys, or in that stupid wee tray you always seem to get near to the top of the keyboard, decided to....lets all hear it now....."Reset the server".
Now, as far as i am aware with my limited knowledge of all things computer, there was nothing wrong with the server in the first place. the reason i can say that with some authority, is that before the Village Idiot in question pressed the reset button, i could email my friends and colleagues (not necessarily seen in the same category !), and i could damn well communicate and be communicated with.
Now as soon as the button was depressed....nada. Well, not quite nada if truth be told. As yes, i do occasionally manage to get the front page of a site up, or hear the phone ringing out if i carefully log on/dial at the correct nanosecond of earth's alignment in relationship to Jupiter and Mars; but then it all just stops, to be replaced by the increasingly familiar DNS error message, or the engaged tone.
So essentially what we have here is an IT Prick tease, who whats more has timed things to perfection, and pressed the button on a Friday evening, before scampering out to enjoy a weekend of lust, or nose picking in Paris.
Needless to say, the people at the sharp end, ie me and 2500 colleagues, who toil (no exaggeration here) 24/7 out in the field to create the earnings for this company to remain afloat, and even worse, pay the wages of a joke of an IT Department, are currently without life's essentials of communication, knowledge, alcohol and sex....well you can scrub the last 2, as its a non alcohol workplace, plus the nearest looking Female is Joey the Galley Boy......but you get my drift.
lets hope that after a suitably debauched and relaxing weekend involving Pygmies, animals, feathers, and "oops, so that's what an oyster tastes like", that our IT Colleagues can find it in themselves to knock a few synapses together, and change the fuse that has quite obviously blown when the power was reset on the server.
Unbelievable........

Later.....maybe !

Its a start - but not as we know it !

2009-06-28T07:48:00.006+01:00

I guess there is always a first entry ( I wonder how many people begin their blogging with these words or similar ? - make a personal note to check all blogs now looked at for 1st entry !) .
I imagine if i keep up with this for any length of time, before boring myself completely to death with the sheer ordinariness of my existence, i will look back at the 1st few entries and cringe with further embarrassment, but hey, who gives a tinkers cuss....onward.
Subsequent entries as we get going, should begin to reveal more about my job, but I can say for now that i am lucky (or should that be unlucky) to work in the Oil and Gas sector ( boo hiss etc etc from the back row tree huggers), my hobbies (If any), bits (that i want you to know about...) of My Life, and just rants about daft things that you see in the papers/internet.
So, as you can see, there is going to be nothing new or Earth shattering with this blog, in fact it is safe to say, all of the above will be being done elsewhere in a far superior fashion, and in a more entertaining way by a long distance....But for me, i will see it as a bit of soul cleansing in an entirely random jumble of thoughts, reality and bullshit.
Later....