BBQ Summer..... My Ass

So its official, the Met Office have got no more clue about what the weather is going to be like in the next 10 minutes, as my Yorkshire (Yaarksheer) Terrier has. They are a total and complete shambles, and what is more we are paying for the buggers to make these jokes of a prediction.
If they were thinking it was going to be a BBQ July, then we should have made them cook only on a BBQ for that period, ie put their money where their mouth is.....the prick teasing (skinny) B@£$ards.
The only good thing these last few days, is that this heavy, showery weather we have been having has got our bug population up, and the Red throated Swifts ( so My learned Wife tells me), have been having a ball, and in doing so have provided me with plenty of photo opportunities (most of which i have missed by a short mile).
I have no idea what speed these little Hooligans are capable of, lets just call it fast..... as in most cases the reflexes of a 49 year Old Man has not got an earthly of photographing them. My poor feeble attempts i attach below for your derision.....but hey, it kept me occupied for a while doing it.....Simple pleasures !




Later....

Arbroath Seafront Spectacular

Saturday was the big day, and the Crowds were most definitely out to see what Arbroath "Could do for you" in terms of seaside entertainment. For once it was blessed with good weather, which was the major difference compared with last year where the rain just made everyone go home with that years version of swine flu.
Entertainment included some daft French motorbike stunt artist.....although heaven knows why they had to fetch him from France, as I had seen better wheelies etc performed along Victoria Promenade on a Friday night by the local Barry Sheens (Boy does that name date me !). There was some idiot called the Human Statue, who basically stood still.....good act eh, a real money spinner, and really incredibly interesting along with it......NOT. Unbelievably amongst all the various stalls for Fostering, International rescue (who bought a clapped out old Fire engine with them, which last rescued someone in 1953), various assorted stalls with candy floss, Sweeties, Chips, burgers, Fudge (In no assorted order of consumption by Myself of course), there was some maniac selling Rugs and carpets, who was doing a roaring trade for some unfathomable reason..... I mean who goes to an event like this with the express intention of buying a sitting room rug ?
Oh, and there were this lot below.....



The Brylcreme boys impressed the crowds with their fake Spitfire, I say fake, as it had some kind of new fangled lawnmower engine in it, instead of a Merlin, which therefore made it sound like a Flying sewing machine.



Old bikes, along with posing Middle aged Hells Angels (the UK soft version) riding Harley Davidsons. Who incidentally saved the day, as they stood in for the Sea king helicopter who was meant to show what a sea rescue looked like, but unfortunately could not make it due to some kind of gearbox issue (try putting some oil in it). So the Harley Club really pushed the boat out and their 10 bikes cruising up and down the seafront saved the day with the crowds.... No really, it was that good....almost !



Pretty in pink, and driven by some well muscled Young Ladies....."Nice bike Madam".



Montrose's version of the Fred Dibnah show. Roll up kids, and come and sit on my lap and have your photo taken....strange, but true, as i was there, and No, its not me in the picture !



Someone with far too much time on their hands, and could someone please tell me Why the Flintstones ? The Italian Job, Michael Caine and the Swinging 60's.....but the Flintstones ?


Is it a bird, is it a bee....No its....what the feck...


Its the Wing walkers, who really were the best bit of the Show, apart from leaving of course.




That attractive rustic old building at the bottom of the picture is the local seafront toilet. I thought you would all just like to know that just for future reference in case you are ever caught short in Arbroath....and no, you don't have to pay an entry fee.


What do you put on your CV/Resume to get a job doing this ? and how many Flies are you picking out of your teeth afterwards ? All good questions that deserve an answer, but continue to remain a mystery to this very day (Early Monday morning).


Whoops, now where has she gone ?


...and finally, why do grown men feel the need to dress up like this ?

Answers on a postcard please.

Later......

Part 2- Escape from Yorkshire

This probably falls somewhere in the "Worlds best sign" Categories, especially if you have recently visited Yaarksheer.....
Anyway thats it for me, I finally made good my escape and after filling up with diesel headed out of Leeds in the early evening. Now speaking of Diesel, is it just Me who is getting increasingly frikkin bemused about fuel Pricing ? 6 weeks ago, there was a 10p difference between Diesel and Petrol, and now they are the same price....how has that happened then ? Are there now less diesel cars/Lorries on the roads, so that there is more to go round all the Saddo's who use the Devils fluid ? Having said that, Gordon and Ali seem to have done a pretty good job in forcing Haulage companies to the wall recently, so maybe there really is more diesel to go round...hmmm.
The other thing about fuel pricing is why the hell do they feel the need to price a litre, to a tenth ? The garage i filled up in yesterday had Diesel at 99.9 p/litre, and 4 star petrol at 99.6p/litre...what the feck is that all about ? my initial thought was it must be a Yaarksheer thing as they are tight with their brass, so they must have .6p coins around down here somewhere.
Please just call it a squid for Gods sake, we are not living in the 50's where we were all gullible to you slick Southern Marketers, and only registered the first digit in any pricing, give us Northern Consumers a little more credit...durr.
Right, I better clamber off the High horse and get on with things, as this was meant to be a quick entry, as I'm still suffering from jet lag.
The A65.......Anyone have the grave misfortune of knowing this road ? For those of you who don't know what the feck I am talking about, its the road that runs to the NW from Leeds to the M6 Motorway and escape from Yaarksheer. The very thought of it being an escape route should fill you with overflowing joy, but it surely has to fall into the other well known category, of the "Worlds worst roads". Theres nothing really wrong with the road itself, except its narrow, windy and almost impossible to overtake on. Its just so damn busy, and mainly busy with complete assholes driving Toyota Yaris's, and wee Fords, who have grey hair and insist on driving at 35 mph, without once looking in their wing mirrors to notice the queue of 30 other vehicles stacked behind them....Jeepers. Then there are the cyclists. Of all the roads in Britain, why do they insist on riding in packs on this one.....I mean I like cycling, but I don't wish to commit suicide, so therefore I engage my brain (Yes, i still have the odd synapse firing off somewhere), and don't cycle on roads such as the A65 where some old, short sighted geriatric is going to come up behind you....and just keep going, without even registering the bump and thump as they run you over.....STAY OFF THE A65.
Anyway, I managed to finally get home, close to 10 in the evening, and what a great evening it was; the mist just beginning to gently rise off the fields, and a clear sky beckoning a good day coming in the morning....... Life is pretty damn good.


Later.....

Part 1 - Arrival in Yorkshire

Well I had to get my ass down to Yorkshire, or Yaarksheer as the locals in the Flat Hats say, on Sunday, as the Old Man was having an Op in the World famous Jimmy's hospital.....Heaven knows why it gets so much publicity from the TV cameras etc, as my experience of how my Dad is getting treated in it, is a story in itself, and its certainly nothing like what I've seen on the TV.
Its a depressingly bad Hospital, staffed by uninterested Employee's from what I can see and have experienced.......so very, very different from what we get in Scotland, where at least they all have a sense of humour, and even (unbelievably) look interested in what some old patient is rambling on about. Here in St James Hospital Leeds, you are a number, and the reason I know this, is that they lost my Dad, and then asked me If I had seen number 128, as they had managed to waken up at the Nurses station, at some point in their long and very busy shift, and noticed that number 128 was no longer in his bed, and I was the last Person seen talking to him, so presumably i may therefore know where he had gone off to..... I even knew his name which was a bonus for them as well !
Obviously if your name is Richard Hammond you no doubt get exceptional service, and even a freebie helicopter ride.....but not my Dad unfortunately, and he was really looking forward to the helicopter ride as well !
But at the risk of alienating what few readers I have, I have to say that this part of Yorkshire just depresses the ass off me.....so sorry about that if you have the misfortune of living in it, please just feel free to delete me from your reading list, I have broad shoulders and should be able to cope with the rejection.
Leeds/Bradford is a dump, its over populated, also has too many rather nasty "get rich" kind of Folk living in it, mostly driving over-clean cars of the 4 wheel drive variety. The road network is appalling for the number of cars that use it, and everyone drives as if their collective asses are on fire. Most of the houses are eye wateringly expensive and in most cases pretty dour, especially in the rain which always seems to be falling when I have the misfortune to have to visit. It has some "interesting neighbourhoods.....all of which I viewed from a car with firmly locked doors, and with no intention of getting out of, for a wee explore.....or even to get a quick rock or 2 to smoke later, no matter how tempting.

Anyone for a short back and sides, followed by dinner ?

Colourful fruit and veg

Ohh Look, Coronation Street.....nice

Anyway, while waiting for my Father to get carved up by some pompous Surgical Consultant, and his sidekick, I decided to have a wee wander to calm down, and take some local pics, of the sites around the northern part of Leeds round Otley and Ilkley.
The views are pretty good.....Its just that there are just so many People and Houses around, and to be honest they ruin just about everything you try and photograph.....I guess this area was really a hell of a lot better in the "dark satanic mill" period, where there were fewer people, and more space.

Nice view.....shame about the Houses...

The road to Nowhere...... I wish !

Anyone lost a Dog ?

These rocks are the famous millstone Cow and Calf formation, the reason I know this, is that there is a rather grand pub/hotel nearby named after them....don't even bother thinking of taking a pint and a bite to eat in it though....overpriced, and an experience which i would politely call shite.


While passing the High Royds "development" near Guiseley ie new Housing estate for all those Drivers of shiny blinged up 4 x 4's. I came across this wee sad tucked away field with locked gate.



Between 1905 and 1969.....thats unbelievable, the Yanks were sending Men to the moon, and we were busy burying the local loonies in an unmarked grave in a field in Guiseley !!

Right, now that I have now insulted almost everyone from West Yorkshire, I had better stop while the going is still good and I have all my digits.....Part 2 The escape from Yorkshire, via the bloody awful A65, will be in a couple of days !

Eey Upp as the Mill workers say.....allegedly.

Later.....

ps. I believe that if you click on the pics above they show the larger versions......don't bother !

Oh to be a Doctor...

Yesterday I pottered off for my bi-annual Offshore medical, the last bi-annual one I was cheerfully told by the Doc who examined me, as I was about to reach the magic age of 50, which would then mean it went to an annual MOT of my aging body, thereby increasing their revenue from me twofold for the remaining number of years i would continue to work in this daft job of mine.
15 minutes later, after checking my heart was still beating..... after a fashion, exhibit some kind of coordination, when all extremities were moving all at once ie walking (who says Men can't multitask eh ?), and finally read some letters on the wall, I was declared fit enough to work Offshore.....and that would be 75 squid Sir, Oh thank you very much Sir, suits you Sir etc etc.
15 mins and 75 squid....nice job.........thats 300 squid an hour, and if he manages to do say, a 6 hr day after (a liquid) lunch and a bit of rumpy pumpy with the Nurses, then he's taking home 1800 squid a day, or 9 grand a week....and we worry about Fred the Shred and all those other WBankers salaries !
In the good old days, some 20 something years ago, when Men were Men, and Sheep were scared, they at least still had the decency to give you maybe, lets see....about 42 mins of their valuable time, and if you were unlucky enough to work in the Norwegian Sector of the North Sea, you had the added dubious pleasure of a very large, normally bearded (and you should have seen the Men!), Noggie Doctor attempting to insert an over size digit into a part of your body where the Sun don't shine. You got all that excitement for 15 squid.....Those were the days !
Anyway, after the shock of discovering what these smiling assassins earn, and considered fit and able to work, and as it was a lovely evening, I managed to struggle through a Dog Walk at our nearby Golf course, before pouring Myself a large one or three to celebrate my potential ability to keep working,well for at least another year; and if the Buggers don't make me redundant in the meantime....cue the photo's.






Later....